Ten minutes to write. Less time to read.

I spent part of the morning trying to change my long distance calling plan, inquiring about the recycling services of our trash disposal company, and following up on a couple health insurance questions. Since these issues all required telephone calls, the experience was a harrowing one.

I understand that live people are too precious a commodity to use unless absolutely necessary, but I remember when real human beings answered company phones with a cheerful “How may I direct your call” attitude. The menu system that replaced these people screams for improvement.

I am particularly offended when a robotic voice’s opening statement is, “Welcome to Widget World. For faster service, visit widgets.com.” This statement seems to me to distance the company from its customers even more than the automated telephone menu system itself does. Had I wanted to check my account online I would have done so in the first place.

Next comes a long line of button directions. If you want A, then push 1. If you want B, then push 2, etc. Being a self-sufficient type, I don’t call a business unless I have already tried to figure out the answer to my question by studying the monthly bill. I don’t call to learn my balance, the date of my last payment, or where to send a change of address. So by the time I’ve reached for the phone, my question cannot be answered via some preordained menu.

Other annoyances in the telephone world include 1) Having to listen helplessly to bombarding company commercials in the waiting period before a real person takes over from the robot person.2) Being told your conversation may be recorded for quality or training purposes (I don’t want to be an educational prop.) and 3) Hearing the signature all-in-one-breathe-closing of “Thank you for calling Widget World. We really appreciate your business. If you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to call; and have a nice day.” (Whew!)

It’s become a game with me to see how quickly I can reach a real person, and I’ve discovered a little trick. You can usually by-pass the menu directions by pressing “O” and holding it down for about ten seconds. The ten seconds is the important part. This seems to distress the robot person and send you to the head of the line.

Pass it on.