After reading my recent mini-essays about tonight’s Academy Awards, my son said, “So what would you say if you won a Oscar?”
Well, I’m not about to spend the afternoon creating a well-honed speech that has no chance of ever being given. But I am willing to list some basic Do’s and Don’ts for any potential nominees who are trolling my web site before they walk down the red carpet.
First the don’ts. Don’t act like you are not prepared. Don’t act like you expected to win all along either. The tone of your walk up the aisle should be one of graciousness and sophistication; it’s the middle part of the bell curve between panic (Ally Sheedy) and uncontrolled exuberance (Adrian Brody). It’s got Grace Kelly written all over it.
Don’t pull a piece of paper from your pocket and thank everybody from God to your parents to your producer to your agent to your live-in companion. If you really are gracious and sophisticated you have thanked each of these people many, many times along the way for their support and they should know who they are. Don’t give a history of the long, long road you took to get to the podium. It’s a long road for everyone. And don’t ignore the musicians when they begin the get-off-the-stage-now-music.
Now the do’s. If you are nominated, it’s a good idea to find out how long you have before the dreaded music cue occurs. You can time your remarks accordingly and exit with the same graciousness and sophistication you’ve already shown.
A bit of humor can also be memorable. When Sean Penn received an award a few years ago, he said “This just proves that you tolerate me; you really tolerate me.” This was an obvious reference to previous winner Sally Field’s “You like me, you really like me.” It made the audience laugh. And given Penn’s reputation as a petulant personality, it showed he could laugh at himself as well.
If you can’t pull off humor, then some other personal note – such as why the role originally appealed to you or what you actually learned from portraying the character – or some anecdote that shows a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the film provides interest. It helps set your remarks apart too, because they can only be made by you.
Since movie actors and actresses memorize other people’s words and do a retake if they flub the first time through, perhaps they are not aware of what it takes to craft a speech that is short yet stirring. Maybe they don’t even think an acceptance speech should quite possibly be the same caliber as the work for which they were nominated in the first place. Too bad.
So, in closing, I’d like to thank my son, Keith, for all he did to help me get this essay where it is today. And I want to thank Earl for leaving me alone while I wrote it. If not for the grace of God and my Dell® Computer, I would be just another writer. It was a long, long road and I almost gave up. Hey, stop the music . . . I’m not done . . . I’m just getting . . .(fade to black)
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