It’s official. The Philadelphia Eagles and the New England Patriots are going to the 2005 Super Bowl, scheduled for broadcast two weeks from today. This means the countdown to the most over-hyped sporting event of the year begins immediately. As Bette Davis once said, “Fasten your seatbelts; we’re in for a bumpy ride.”
Advertising may not take front and center, but it’s a close second. Major companies who purchase big-buck advertising plan for this event all year. They whip their creative teams to concoct the most innovative, most unusual ad and then play financial roulette by deciding which quarter it appears. It’s all because theorists argue the merit of placement and timing.
Then there are the daily interviews with the coaches and players; about the only person who doesn’t get air time or credit is the head groundskeeper. Finally, ancient coaches of former Super Bowl winning teams trot out to give their equally ancient opinions.
But what if you find all this frenzy boring? What if you think the solution to football is to give each team its own ball so that they don’t fight over the tiny pigskin? Then you must go into survival mode.
To help those who aren’t football fanatics, I’ve devised a short list of things that will get you through the evening. First, check the TV guide and find out when the game begins in your area. Don’t call friends who might be watching it until tomorrow. If you know which team they’re rooting for and that team doesn’t win, don’t call them for several days.
There is a big half-time show, but mostly it’s a big full time waste. It doesn’t matter if rapper Nelly or pianist Billy Joel entertains, the basic point is to give the television audience a potty break while the actual audience in the stands remains minimally engaged. In reality, this is when the television audience expects its pizza deliverymen to show up. So, if you want pizza that night, you need to order your cheese and pepperoni early.
If you’re a more social type who usually spends Sunday night having a couple brewskis in a local bar, know that if you go there you will be subjected to the Super Bowl on television. It’s best to avoid the scene by popping for whatever beer you like at the local liquor store and taking it home for private consumption.
Which leads me to my last helpful survival suggestion. Consider having a good book on hand, so that you can enjoy the beer going down without the sight of football players spitting, announcers gaffing, and commercials vying for number one position.
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