Ten minutes to write. Less time to read.

I had hoped this holiday season, which is just now really kicking into high gear, would find fewer catalogs showing up on our doorstep. This hope was based on the fact that I signed both Earl and me up with Direct Marketing Association, Inc. It purported to get our names removed from as many mailing lists as possible, and it promised “a significant reduction in unsolicited commercial advertising mail.”

So far the five dollars I spent has proven to be a bad investment.

Instead, “they” are multiplying. Not only that, “they” are becoming stranger. For instance, the one at my feet is the Things You Never Knew Existed Catalog, featuring a talking figure of Johnny Depp in his Pirates of the Caribbean costume on the cover. That alone convinced me not to even peek inside.

Then there’s the Petrossian Caviar Catalog offering – you guessed it! – beluga, ossetra, sevruga, baerii, and transmontanus caviars. A little over a pound of beluga can be purchased for a mere $4400 plus shipping and handling.

At the other end of the price spectrum, Art & Artifact advertises over 200 gifts under $30. That piqued my curiosity, so I let my fingers do a quick thumb-through. On page 38, I found the Easter Island Bobblehead for $18; page 41 showed birdhouses in the shape of the Eiffel Tower for $19.95. And the back cover offered a life-sized WWI propeller that leans in a corner waiting for someone who needs a conversation starter.

I must not associate with the trendy people, because nobody on my Christmas list would have the slightest interest in any of these things. Thank goodness.