Earl and his cronies email back and forth a lot, mostly with jokes or political humor or support for the NRA. I’ve asked him to filter what he forwards to me, as I don’t believe recycled jokes or partisan politics or the NRA constitute an honest-to-goodness personal email exchange. He complies.
But every now and then Earl forwards something that cancels my angst on the aforementioned topics. Recently, he sent the winning submissions to The Washington Post’s yearly contest in which readers supply alternate meanings for common words.
I can’t resist publishing some of them here for anyone who loves language. Note the word has also been given a part of speech. Priceless!
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Additionally, the Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of this year’s winners:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Thanks, Earl, for making my dictionary day.
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